Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Cooking in Rubber

OK, so one probably should be careful about cooking when encased in two catsuits, two hoods, two pairs of gloves, and a rubber dress. But it seemed like a good idea at the time.

Usually, I do not cook. Maid cooks...she cooks well and she cooks in rubber (and sometimes, I think, WITH rubber as a spice). But Sir is away on business and last night when it came time to cook some dinner maid was...uh...tied up with other matters.

I decided I would cook dinner for the two of us. I decided I would cook something we hadn't had in a while here in California...Chicken Fried Steak.

For those of you who do not know southwestern cuisine, I should explain that Chicken Fried Steak also goes by the name Wiener Schnitzel or Veal Cutlet. Except we do not use veal, we use aged beef cut in what are called cubed steaks. So it is thin, boneless steaks battered and fried in the manner one does Southern Fried Chicken.

Chicken Fried Steak (CFS) is a southern delicacy cooked in a skillet with a fair amount of hot oil, lots of flour, egg, milk, and a batter made up from biscuit mix. It is inherently a bit messy, but the final product, served with vegetables, is delicious, nutricious, and a total cardiac nightmare.

There is a protocol associated with it...for instance, the BEST batter cooks up LARGER than the steak it encases, leading to large chunks of fried bread like material which is delicious on its own. Sir even tells the story of getting his CFS one time as a child and discovering it had no meat inside. One flours the steak, then dips it in the egg/milk mix, then batters it, then fries it in an almost assembly line fashion.

This is all done by hand and if done well you will have battered fingers before you're finished. I did say it was messy, didn't I? No sanitation here, either...this is hands on I thought rubber gloves would be a GOOD idea. Maid does this from time to time for us and she never has a problem.

Well last night I laid everything out carefully, mixed my egg and milk to a good gooey consistency, made sure I had fresh steaks, enough flour and then mixed up the batter...we use bisquick prepared mix and add salt, pepper, and paprika.

The first of the two steaks went swimmingly. I floured it well, then dipped that in the egg/milk mixture to lock the flour on and to give the batter something to cling to. Then I rubbed it around in the batter and made sure I had a LOT of batter on it. This is important.

Next, I used a fork to gently lay it in the skillet with the oil already heated. It immediately began to bubble and froth as it is supposed to.

Now the race begins. You have to get the next steak ready while the first one cooks. You have to do it fast so you put it in the skillet just as the first one is ready to be turned over...and you have to be careful because the oil is boiling hot.

I reached out for the second steak with my already messy rubbered left hand, picked it up, swung it over to the plate where my flour was waiting...and promptly dropped it from about two feet up directly into the flour!

did you know flour can explode when disturbed? White flour went everywhere! There was a puff, and I was covered from the crown of my hood to my black rubber toes in flour!

I sputterd and coughed a bit as I inhaled flour (no gas mask on unfortunately, but I was wearing a gag) and blinked flour out of my eyes. What to do?

First rule of cooking...if something happens, turn off the fire! So I started to move the skillet to a cool burner first. But my hands were dangerously slippery...and the steak was cooking fast.

Grab towel (can't get rubber gloved hands into oven mit) ... grab skillet handle ... thank god Sir got the big skillet with the long handle...then move skillet.

Then I washed my hands, and looked down at myself. I was an absolute rubber mess...flour everywhere and a few blobs of eggy batter as well had fallen off my fingers onto my an embarrasing place, I might add.

I washed my hands, finished carefully battering the second steak, but had to turn the first one over (still cooking in hot oil, if not getting any hotter), then finally got the second one into the skillet.

A few minutes later, I put the skillet back on the burner, got both steaks done (the first one was a bit darker on one side than it should have been) and I dished out dinner. But the best was yet to come. I went to get maid...untie her and bring her to dinner...this was to be her night off...she didn't have to serve me or anything...I HAD been feeling generous.

She was not gagged or blindfolded, just covered in latex and restrained. When I walked into the room to untie her, her eyes bugged out and she began laughing. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror in the room and I couldn't believe it. I was still covered in fine white flour that contrasted immensely with my black rubber dress. My hood was smudged, my dress was powdery, and my hands had become messy again with flour and bits of batter that had not washed off. I was by no means ready to sit down to a nice dinner.

At first I was angry with her, but when I looked again, I coouldn't help it. I started to laugh as well. I don't know if you have ever laughed uncontrollably while hooded and gagged, but it is not pretty. Before it was all over, I was trying to untie maid while needing to blow my nose and still giggling inside the hood behind the gag.

Well, she cleaned me up...spraying me all over in the shower and drying me off. Dinner was a bit cold, but she very nicely warmed it up for us and we actually had an enjoyable evening. However, I felt it was my responsibilitiy to clean the kitchen...she was all tied up with other things shortly after dinner anyway. :) And I got a bit of my own back when restraining her the second time.

But I think I'll leave CFS to her in the future...when I'm feeling generous again, she'll likely get a slice of cold ham for dinner...something safe!

BTW...I will post again soon to answer the questions in the comments to my last post. I had no idea this experiment would generate so many queries...but hang on...I'll get to them ASAP!



Dark said...

Dear Lady,


What a story! And how beautifully told... thanks a million for sharing!


JudiBootie said...

The picture you painted in my mind was priceless, lol! Thank you for a well told tale, and for showing that even in the strictest of lifestyles humor still reigns supreme. :)

kapybara said...

Take care of yourself - we don't want to lose you in a puff of blue smoke, even if it suited your metamorphosis into the mythical high priestess of a new cult.

Great comic writing and a really funny story.

lboots said...

Didn't know that Chicken Fried Steak is a beef dish. In any event glad you made it through okay.

lboots said...

Went to a resturant this past weekend that served chicken fried steak and I thought about you and this adventure. So I ordered it, it was okay.